Those That Are The Hardest To Love, Need It The Most...

Was surprisingly amazing. I fear for my self though. I tend to give my hopes up when it comes to prospective dudes. I doubt myself and I am very harsh on myself. He seems way too awesome for me. He's like everything I look for in someone. Ah well......I guess we shall see what becomes of Leslie's cupid work. She's never attempted to set me up with anyone before so I don't want her to feel bad about anything no matter what. I'll give it an honest try though, I normally don't because of how I am. I hate to let people in to my world that are going to disappear. Nothing can kill how awesome everything is right now though. I'm just too content. Obviously. haha. My brain needs to stop with its giddy school-girl nature.


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhh



-rachel

I am so in love with everything and everyone. Why does everything seem to be perfect? Have I found you? Flightless bird.

I have sooo much time just to myself. To enjoy myself to enjoy the things I love. I never thought I could be so content haha. I've just been listening t music and reading and just loving me. I will eventually feel the need to look once more but right now guys repulse me haha. Guys really really repulse me actually. I'm tired of losers just wanting to do me. I don't want to do you, sorry. Horny guys are sooo pathetic. I have soooo much power over these gross losers it's very hilarious. Maybe I'd give you the time of day if you treated me with respect? Hahahahah. At least women have respect for one another.

All in all, dudes back off it's Rachel time and all I care about is school, music, reading and myself. Not in that order.

Loves and Lights,
Rachel

Is such a killer in my head. Why is it that everyone I have ever been envolved with is now suddenly trying to have my pants again? Why do I even let these people be entertained in my thoughts? Like igor for instance. I dated that guy from 15 to almost 17. He was the last/only person I opened up to. And it was so difficult for me to get over what we had. I think it took like a whole year. Some of the happiest moments of my life happened with him. And he was my security, my little world. We were edward and bella before that even exsisted. I wanted to get back with him for so long after too. But I know now that we were really young and naieve. But there is still something there in me for him. Its prolly because we started talking and seeing each other over the course of the last year or so. The other night was a time warp though. He's still the same I remember him as in his physicallity. But he has matured so much as a person. He has a completely different feel. And I'm not sure if me even entertaining the idea of him as anything else as a loose friend is good for me haha. And ryan/tim/eric is now trying to be my friend again. Oh well the saga of my life continues. All I know right now is that life is amazing for me and no matter what could possibly happen its going to be good. Because I feel good things comin my way.

How can I convey what I cannot say. Through out the dark halls where my dusty voice lays, not a vibration can stay. Fore if I let my heart feel safe, my mind shall float away. Another night in this cobbel stone courtyard, anoth fantasy to breathe to life. Maybe if I move my hands you will see what I mean. Words are too messy for me, because this life is a silent scream.

When I'm in my depressive state that I become the most creative? Why is it I feel so over-whelmed with love inside when I am at my loneliest? How can I just revel in this state so easily, so comfortably. It is as though I am numb to everything, too happy or depressingly content. I feel like ripping out my heart with the voracity of a lion, all the while being as loving as a lamb. I shudder to think what this says about me. But as far as I can feel this isn't a bother. It's sort of welcoming. WEIRD.



To Love, With Light,
Rachel Marie Fuchs.

What was I thinking and what the hell was coming out of my mouth?

I feel like a frilly cake. I just needed to do that with someone else, got I feel like I released so much stress tonight.

Hellll yeahhh.


Love and Light,
Chel

Pisses me off. It's not his fault tho. It's mine. I do this to myself. I get all gooey mc'crush on someone and it doesn't end. God.... I think if he ever felt this way about me I'd spontaneously combust. He makes it so hard because he's so my ideal person. That's probably why we are pretty good friends. I'd be fine with just being friends but for some reason my stupid brain isn't. That's why my heart wont let me stay there most nights. I shall just try the ignoring thing again. Even tho that didn't work out so well. FUCKING GODDAMMIT I JUST WANNA MAKE OUT WITH THAT STUPID FRILLY CAKE. ajkhgajdhgjafhgjFUCKafhgjfgasjdfhajskfhjkghjkg. Yeah.......



Any who off to go drop my brother off and then complete a group project on my own. yeah kthanks.

Killed my emotions. Despair.

I might explode with un understood love?

So tonight I finally got to see the near and dearest to me. That was quite lovely. We went and saw Zombie land which by the way was very epic. But I can't help but feel ignored. I can't help but be pissed and I can't help but feel alone. I'm just so grateful to have Leslie and Clarrissa and Lauren [again]. These people mean the world to me and have been the only family I have had. Everything is changing and I don't feel the same. I don't feel like helpless little girl any more. I feel like a woman, that is in control of what happens to herself now. Boy do I miss high school but I don't miss the negative aspects of how awful and abused I felt. I run the show. I write my destiny. No one else can fail me but myself. It's a scary thought at the same time a good one. I'm 19 going on 45....always have been. I've been raising myself as long as I can think. I've been through more than any one will ever know. I have received life lessons already that most people don't get till they are way older. I'm not a stupid little girl. My age says nothing about the person I am. I want the respect that this old soul deserves. But I wont get that till I'm 30 and have a doctorate. I would never in a million years have said these things about myself before, because I was bashful hearing this all of the time from my family. But you know what? It is true. And I've needed to realize this for some time.



P.S. It's winter now :)


With all of the love and light there is,
Rachel Marie Fuchs.

And I liked it? GahahahhahahahahahaahahahahROFLROFLROFL yeah.


Life is odd.

I hate financial aid.

Poop.

Standing outside of Pizza Hut, Everything is too bright. I am talking to Lee about something I cannot remember. All of the sudden I feel compelled to open the door and tell Aron I love him. Two seconds later an enormous missile is moving slow motion to the ground hundreds of miles away. I run to the back corner of the parking lot and shield myself in front of a tree as a sonic boom of light and electricity hit the ground. It's blinding and looks like silver smoke moving so fast. Then it is over, but nothing works. Not a light. I run to my car like I knew this was going to happen and head toward my house to go get my grandmother and drive to the mountain, at least that is what I was telling myself. I dodge cars going as fast as I can through this chaos. I get inside and am about to take her out when what appeared to be 20 SWAT team member bust through the door covered from head to toe and armed to the fullest extent. They drag us out and throw us in to a vehicle with 15 other neighbors. It was a long ride to where ever the took us. We got out and we were in a weird model home full of other confused people. But I wasn't confused I knew they were flashing peoples minds and reprogramming them in to they way they wanted. I knew they were going to do that to me.

Was driving home from work late one night, feeling completely exhausted. Winding her way down the freeway she remembered she needed milk and bread. A quick stop at the convenience store. Was it fate? She pulls her car in to her assigned spot at her complex. She grabs the milk from the passenger seat and clutches it to her chest as she throws her purse over her shoulder and wraps the bag of bread around her fingers. Removes the keys from the ignition. Crawls out of the sub-compact. She looks up, becomes aware of the pistol at her chest. She grasps the milk closer and with one fell swoop; the milk and blood intertwined in a woeful bang; spreading the blast of pink all over. She laid wide-eyed; pallid; and lifeless. Engulfed in a pool of surreal flush. Did she matter?

i'm just going to drop out of college.

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

To have a selfish uncaring boyfriend god what would I do with out him? I honestly can't take this anymore. It's stressing me out so badly I can barely take it. All of this ridiculous miss communication, all of this pointless banter. He needs to grow up. He needs to realize that I'm not some monster that is trying to be pissed all of the time. He needs to realize I cannot understand a word he says when he gets worked up because it just leads to a bigger explosion. I feel like there is nothing I can do to stop this vicious cycle because he is constantly plugging his ears and screaming that I'm wrong. He needs to understand that my mental issues don't react well with his ignorance. I just wish I could have the Nick I fell in love with back....if that was him to begin with.

I'm a child lost in the woods, a black heart pollutes me...

Lost Lauren to ignorance. Her and Olivia ganged up on me because I was upset that Lauren has ignored me for a year and now wants to be friends because her tard ass boyfriend is moving to California. Yeah I don't get it either.... But it's like we hardly talk any ways and she's put me as last on her list for so long I just don't see the point any more. Maybe she will see how she had her priorities all screwy. One day she will stop being so immature and realize that getting high and fucking some cripple all of the time will get you no where. I was her best/only friend for soo long. I was THERE for her when she found out that weird-o was showing his weiner all over the place to random chicks in different states, BUT oh wait he blamed that on having one arm so it's ok. But now that I know I have a legit mental disorder and know why I am the way I am, that's just all an excuse right? She is a huge hipocrite and has set double standards for everyone. And I don't feel like dealing with high school bullshit from her and her daft little slutty friend. Who feels the need to just throw them selves into someone's busniess and start calling someone (me) a cunt when they were not even remotly apart of the issue. Jesus Effing CHRIST grow up! I haven't done that shit in 4 years man. It's obvious 6 years of friendship means nothing to her though, so I shall move on and maybe one day she will understand what she really did.


And I guess this means no Blink concer for me. But hey, if it was meant to be it would happen.


I'm just very happy I have amazing friends like Leslie, Clarrissa, Katja and Nick. They have all been so understanding about my issues and I appreciate them so much for it, even if I can't express it all the time. I know that I am very hard to deal with all of the time, but I'm happy that they try. As long as they don't start ignoring me I think I will be fine haha. Geez do I hate being ignored. I just wish I could express how much I support them, at least as much as they support me.

And Nick has been very understanding over the past year and a half. God I don't know how he dates me haha. He is absolutely wonderful, even though he has his times of idiot-ness. I'm just happy to have things going so great with him.

I should try and sleep.


Love and Light,
Rachel Marie Fuchs.

Is one of those sweaty palm, too much to think about, pissed off nights where absolutely everything bothers me. My friends are a pain in the ass because if they aren't getting high with their boyfriend constantly, they are talking shit to another one of my friends expecting me not to know it, or they are off with one of their many blasts from the pasts. IF YOU HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM SEND IT IN WRITING AND I WILL GET BACK TO YOU WITH IN 5 MOTHERFUCKING BUSNIESS DAYS. It's getting a little old. I'm getting a little old. Finding new friends is getting old. I feel like I could never find another best friend if I tried.

Nick is jobless, carless, and devoid of all sense. He can just be sooo pathetic when it comes to his parents. He wonders why people walk all over him its because he's been lettling his parents use him and trample all over him for years. People are treated the way they want to be treated. If you think your being used, thats because you allow it.

I'm fed up with Arizona, I'm fed up with my fucked up relatives, I'm fed up with my friends. I might as well join the Army like I've wanted to. Get away from it all till it all pulls me down. I really can't take much more of this stress.


WHY IS NO ONE THERE TO HELP ME WHEN I NEED IT? I have fucking no one that even looks out for me. I'm broke. Absolutely broke. I can't pay for school, I can barely give myself the things I need. I eat oh....maybe once a day. No health insurance. Nothing. I have no parent to crawl to for money or support when I need it. Talking to Kimberly is like talking to a 16 year old girl. She is so focused on her own shit when I bring up any of my issues she just talks about herself, and how hard her life is, completely ignoring what ever I said.

FUCK LIFE. ABORT CHRIST. STEAL SHEEP.

Is a crazy obsession/passion of mine. I've analized the movie over and over in every way possible but it all just comes down to how I just see me in the movie, tangled in there. It reminds me of the inside of my head and all of the verryyy weird things I think of. Hell; I have the cheshire cat sitting in a tree tattoo'd on my back(its amazing). I just wish life was like that movie.


_ love and light_

_rachel marie fuchs_

Im sick as fuck.

Really feel like killing myself. I can't do this anymore.

I'm currently "sleeping over" at leslies house. But I can't seem to do that. Her cat licked my face for a half an hour. My body hurts so much and I do not know why. My tattoo is going to be finished on tuesday!!! Yay more healing process for me. I feel weird. I seem to fall in and out of favour with people. And I can't tell why. Being up so late has brought me to do people searches. I found my mother who is appearantly 60. And my dad who I guess re-married? Haha oh lord. And I found an allan fuchs. There are sooooo many fuchs' I thought it wasn't a common name. Guess not. I have to go turn in my mothers and I 's taxes to SCC monday and hopefully I can get my aide with out crying numerous times. Its so screwed how I have to fight people to get an education. My mommy is divorced yay! Haha. I'm supposed to get up in an hour to get ready for my work meeting. Wooo.... leslie keeps rolling over on me. I hope my work gives food to me haha. Mmmmm pizza rolls. I'm pissed that nicks mom shat on my vacation plans and used all of her buddy passes to fly a bunch of her friends out to get drunk for a weekend. I miss nebraska. And everyone I love there. I want the states to shift next to eachother magically so I could see them all the time. I know I'm scatter brained when it comes to calling them up, but I do really care. I guess I'm just so used to never speaking with family outside of the ones I'm forced to see haha. My other uncles and aunts are sooo out of the picture its not funny. I miss being a cute little girl, that's when they actually gave a damn. Sean was sort of a father figure to me, but he's sort of coo coo bananas. Karin was an amazing aunt for a while but again she disappeared. What is this family even doing any more? No one speaks, no one comes over for christmas. My grandma is going to be 81 for christs sake. She didn't die too you know? I know how she can be sometimes, but really? She's not terrible. She feels like all of her kids abandoned her since my grandpa died. She feels like kidder and john can't stand to be around her. And its sad and I tell her its not true....but she doesn't listen, of course haha. I don't know what id do with myself if she dies. Id be torn apart. She has meant the world to me for so long. I cry just thinking about it! Oh wow. It looks like I have babbled too much. But I'm terribly awake. I guess I'll end it here....

Love,
Rachel.

The Fuck Off.

That is all I ever do. I think about words endlessly. It's like I am addicted to words and all of their uses. Once I start to writ something an expansive ammount of stuff comes out of my hand. Maybe thats why I am majoring in english. When I wanna write I can't when I don't wanna write I do. Most of this journal is forced writing, boring writing.

Why can't we all be cats?

My life is so boring. I just can't wait for another boring summer. Then another boring year of college. Then another boring summer. Then another boring year of college. And so on till I get a degree so I can start my mundane life as a teacher. Teaching everything and nothing at the same time. I went to prom a weekend or three ago. It was great fun seeing everyone again. I miss them. I miss living at Eric's...minus the destruction of my shit and the lack of sleep... and the poor diet haha. Even though, I still miss being around a family environment. I feel like I'm going through the motions of life. I really should be enjoying what I have while I have it.... I wonder if you can call this a pre-life crises. Because "life" in the shitty sense means working and popping out kids and houses and degrees. I want more than some suburban dream everyone is idealizing. But I feel so stuck because the only thing I have ever wanted to grow up and be was a teacher. And I don't know if I am amazing at anything else because I have never traveled farther than my comfort zone. I want to be president...maybe I should study politics...

My mom was a horrible parent to me from the time I could remember telling me things when I was too young, being a drunk bitch to me, and so much more I can't even begin to say what she has done to my life. I've always been the parent. And I'm sick of driving her around; when did she EVER take me anywhere? I was forced to give up my one true passion [Ice Skating] because she said driving down to grandmas everyweeked so I could skate was too hard. I drive TO FUCKING AHWATUKEE FORM SCOTTSDALE TO PICK HER UP AND TAKE HER TO A CLASS IN TEMPE THEN WAIT AROUND FOR 4 HOURS THEN DRIVE HER HOME THEN FINALLY DRIVE MYSELF HOME. This is all on top of driving to school, going to school, then driving out there. SHe needs to admit to what she has done. Or else I'm not speaking to her.




[She admitted to it. Problem solved]

lololololololol

Yay. Doctors here I come!

God I am CREEPER! Or at least my dreams are. SO my dream started out with me being in this very weird house with aron and some asian ladies and matt and what appeared to be weird friends of his. SO the whole time this dream is going on I'm trying to go on facebook to find matt's number to tell him I like him. But I must have been drunk in the dream because I was very unsucessful at this because I couldn't type for shit on my phone. Then I asked aron for it and he told me that matt doesn't like me and thinks I'm gross and I should stop thinking about it. Then the scene changed to pizza hut and I ran crying into the walk in where the asian ladies were and they helped me pee...... yeah weird...

Maybe if my 21 year old manager wasn't so damn pretty and nice I wouldn't have these dreams. hahahaha

That I can never erase them from my life. After last night I have felt so much better. Like I had a pound of stress and grey area taken from me. I guess I'm stuck having these semi awkward friendships even though I'm sure they can get better, because with out them, I have no past.

Forever hate not knowing everything.

I'm alone in my house. Everything is way too quiet. Oh I wish someone was here. I'm having a tea party and ice skating at my old rink for my b-day next next weekend. I am making the teaz because after living at Souvia I have way too many amazing ones. I think I'll make cinnimon rice balls too, those are good. I should bake a cake.... Wait, it's my birthday I shouldn't bake a cake.... that would be weird. I hope someone other than clarrissa, lauren, and possibly noelle shows up. I really don't like feeling sad and lame on my birthday. It doesn't even feel like anyone but me actually knows my birthday is approaching. My mom or gma haven't said a thing. I don't expect really anyone to get me anything this year, I don't even remember what I got last year. My birthday is the most important day to me, because I feel special that I was born. Haha....


Well me and Nick's anniversary ate shit. He refused to wake up, and by the time he did wake up I had 4 hours till I had to be at work so I said fuck it, you obviously didn't plan shit, you are horrible at planning, the one thing I leave up to you you ef it up. So I just locked myself in my grandmas room as her persisted to scream and pound on things because I didn't want to talk to him anymore. I couldn't go to work because I couldn't leave the room. He started crying after he stopped being mad so I opened the door to talk to him. I just don't get how we can get so upset but turn around and talk everything out and make it ok. We go on with our night, ate asian food that they throw at you. And I forced him to buy me a giant hello panda haha. We never really fight, it's like once every three months something completely stupid happens and we get super worked up. He has no communication skills, no drive to do anything. I made him take a communications class this semester cause god knows you need to talk to people once you have your career haha. He was too alone when he was little, didn't get to talk to many people, just played computer games. It's sad, cause I know he feels like crap about it, it's more sad that because of this, when he is trying to make a point, I can tear apart his whole idea because he doesn't make sense. Ugh, its so SAD! I told him though, if he doesn't try hard in school and he never learns to be productive that I just can't stay with him, so he better actually get all of his credits. I have made a promise to myself never to date anyone that is not going anywhere.


I HATE WORKING! At least for three hours at a time. And I hate tempe, it's full of gehetto people and retarded dorm brats, and frats, and drunk college students in general.655555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555
cat steped on the keys.....

This is why I will forever love Scottsdale, no poor retatarded people that always call back for free pizza, no drunk college kids being loud and rude. I hate alcohol! It kills people and makes you act stupid. I don't even remember the last time I took a sip of something. Yeah it was fun once or twice but then I see the same people at the same parties wasting their weekends away sitting in a house waiting to look stupid. Of course I still go to these parties when I am rarely invited to, but I just talk to people and laugh at them.


WORK!
-Chel

I gave away my second bunny today; Luca. It was sad seeing him go, he was so pretty and weird lol. But satan was my origional bunny that all of my old friends bought for me so I love him more and wanted to get rid of the one so I could finally have him be an inside bunny. I got him another cage today, not the most amazing cage but he likes it. Currently the kitten and the bunny are chasing eachother around the room till one of them stops and looks at the other one, then there is an awkward pause then it starts all over again. It's really amusing haha. I told Noelle that I gave away the bunny that was supposed to be hers, she was ok with it, I would have rather given it to a friend like her than some mom off of craigslist, but I know he would get alot more attention from a family of 4 than a bunch of teenagers with full-time jobs haha.

English is still killing me, god why does 102 have to bite ass? So many papers! This coming from the future english teacher haha. Edu 222 is fun, I get to go observe my first classroom on my birthday wooooo! And I'm kicking math's ass, I've never gotten A's in math before 0.0 . Art is boring, its the same stuff I've learned a million times. But it is still nice to relax for three hours and just draw.

I believe I'm pretty set on going to college in Washington after I get my associates. Its stupid to go to asu now with tuition skyrocketing and major being cut left and right. I'd rather not go to school in this budget cut super republican bastardized hell hole of a state anymore than I have to. I want trees and oceans and snow.

Me and Nick's 1 year is at 12am tonight! wooooo! The second relationship that has made it to the trial called "1 year" basically after a year is when you know if it will last because normally things start to fall apart after it; if it's not going to last. Things are really good though so I think we will keep trucking for a while longer :D Haha.

MY TEETH HURT SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! kill them plz?

I need to go out and do things more, but doing things=money and money=no. Haha.

We were so fucking busy at work today! The power went out in the tempe/asu grid(again) and we were just standing outside doing nothing for an hour or so then as soon as the power came on it was pizza chaos. Everyone and their mom ordered pizza today. I was soooooo busy and rushed and peoples orders were getting f'd up and UUUHG! haha.


Well off to be boring.... XD

L&L
-chelz

I feel like a russian pirate. Today, I am a russian pirate. I hate having to wait for classes to start. I'm just sitting here in the sun, sick as hell waiting for english to start. English is a funny word, if you emphasize lish.

So I have three cavities, uhg. Its going to cost 369 dollars to fix them. I would be 100 times happier if I had insurance. But insurance feels so stupid when in the end I'm paying every month for something that might possibly happen, of course in this situation it would have been nice but what about once my teeth are all fixed? What's the point? I just wish I had someone to help me pay for all of this. Like hmmmm.... an actual parent? Not my mother who is still a tenager with kids. I love her but jeez... this is too much for me to pay for when I make 150 a week if that.

Was ok. I woke up and we went out to eat with his friend. Then I shopped a bit. Then I made dinner. Then he wanted to go over to his friends house, I sat there and watched like 5 guys play Wii sports and then I fell asleep. YAY.

GOT BACK TOGETHER!
If they can anything is possible.




I NEED DENTAL INSURANCE SO BAD :( idk how to get it or where to get it from..

Happy about my room it is all pretty and doen't look gross anymore. I love IKEA :) HAving a decent looking room really clears up how mix mashed I feel in here. I don't wanna work...... This is all I dread day in and day out, haveing to do the most boring and menial job, ESPECIALLY on a Sunday when we are the deadest.

It is also intruding on the time when I really need to do my paper for English. Schoool...........

My cat is so demanding. Meowing at me all the time, wanting food and attention.

I keep having dreams about going to malls and never finding anything I like, maybe it meas I just shouldn't buy stuff.

And I keep having another dream about just like moving away and living in some huge strange dorm with a Leslie copy.

Efffff dreams.

I miss everyone but it is time to say goodbye.


-Rachel.

And Far from dome hay alll! beware criminal.

I love incubus. It is my religion, my passion, my inspiration and my soul. They make me feel amazing.

Haha! You!, you bloody scoundel you! How dare you show your face in this town! And to think I rid myself of your putrid presence for good....



In other news school is amazing. I actually understand math for the first time and got an A on my quiz! YAY!, my first A in math everr. I need to watch my film noir for english still, who knew you could procrastinate watching a movie? Special Education class is going ok I guess, I just can't wait to start my class room time at a school. It's a rather boring class. Art is really neat as well, I drew Clarrissa today it looks like her kinda haha. It is amazing to have two classes with your bffl in a row :3 Aaaand I think I got the job at this amazing tea place called Souvia Tea. They have the most amazing diverse tea selection ever there and it would be amazing to learn about tea and get free tea and get paid 8.50 for it! 0.0 hehhehehheheh

Me and Nick are amazing as well, almost a year now on February 21. I just can't believe that I found some one as amazing as him, he is so thoughtful and funny and caring. He makes me feel the best I have felt in years. We have never gotten into pointless fights over absoutely nothing ever. He's never been mean to me ever... It's so weird to actually have a totally nice person. And I can say this with complete honesty. I hope we are together for a long time :D! We are BFFFFFFZ!!! fo liiife hahahaha

I am in such a good mood!

tata fo now

L&L
-Rachel